Dear Marley – Does Weed Lower Your Sperm Count?

I’m legit freaking out over here. Does weed lower your sperm count? Because if it does and my math is correct, I’m likely down to approximately 29 sperm and they’re probably swimming in circles.

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Does Weed Lower Your Sperm Count?

I’ve been getting high on a daily basis for at least 5 years. And by regular basis I mean daily and two-a-days have been the norm. Unless you count weekends where 3, 4 and 5-a-days are not uncommon.

My point is that I’m concerned. I should have looked into this earlier and I hope I’m not too late. My wife is a few years older than me and now that it’s been a few years since we tied the knot, baby fever has hit her HARD. A few nights ago when I was smoking a j on the couch, she turned to me and asked, “Does weed lower your sperm count?” and I just looked at her with the blankest of stares. For one, it never even crossed my mind and secondly, I’m not a casual smoker. I am a very heavy marijuana consumer. If weed does lower your sperm count, I might be down for the count.

If weed lowers your sperm count, I’m in shit. I know you don’t need Michael Phelps caliber sperm to get a woman pregnant, but I fear that my sperm (or whatever’s left of it) doggy paddles its way to shore. Marley, DO I HAVE DOGGY PADDLE SEMEN?! Oh shit – Michael Phelps smoked weed and he has a kid! That’s gotta be good news, right?

Will all the marijuana I’ve smoked over time affect my ability to reproduce? Please be straight with me. How do I make a baby?

 

IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN DO TO REDEEM MY SPERM?

 

If weed does affect sperm, is there anything I can do to mitigate the damage? Maybe some yoga? Can I reverse the effects? Should I start wearing boxers and incorporate daily squats into my morning routine? What if I stop smoking today? Will my sperm rejuvenate after a while? I’m willing to do whatever it takes, so please give me some good news. Or am I overreacting here? Does weed lower your sperm count or not? Okay I’m done now. Time for a long hot bath. Or wait – is that bad for sperm too?! 

 

-DOGGY PADDLE SPERM

Dear Doggy Paddle Sperm,

Weed Makes Sperm Less Fertile, But That Doesn’t Mean  You’re Down For The Count

There have been several studies conducted over the last decade on whether or not weed can lower your sperm count. Clearly, you’re not the only one who’s concerned with the effects of weed on sperm. Researchers at the University of Buffalo have learned that men who smoke weed actually damage their futility in more ways than one. Their findings show that those who smoke marijuana tend to produce less seminal fluid and as such, their sperm count is lower than the average male. Don’t freak out, but these researchers also found that the men they studied had sperm that was shaped… funny. Not funny like a clown funny. More like, one of these things is not like the other funny. Which isn’t funny at all. In terms of their ability to swim, you aren’t that far off. I can’t say for sure that your semen will never stand proudly atop the podium at the summer Olympics, but Vegas has them as 7500:1 underdogs.

A more recent study out of Denmark (totally craving a danish right now) has over 1200 participants. Now again, please don’t panic, but they found that regular smokers saw a 28-29% decrease in both sperm count and concentration. I’m no sperm specialist, but those numbers are significant.

Back to the study out of Buffalo for a minute, they discovered something that I find fascinating.

“Marijuana-smoking men’s sperm are hyper. They’re too fast, too early.” 

Process that for a moment and picture your party sperm in action. Weed basically turns your sperm into little EDM fans set to go 3 days in the desert, except your sperm isn’t strapped with water bottles and sleep. Your party sperm goes too hard, too fast. By the time they reach their final destination, they fizzle out. So in terms of doggy paddling, sure, they’re doggy paddling. But the chances of making it to shore are slim.
Numbers Game

Look, I’m not saying that you can’t reproduce. You still can. Just recognize that by smoking so much weed, you have likely decreased your chances a little bit, at least in terms of how quickly you can get your wife pregnant. Does weed lower your sperm count? You betcha. But to what degree, we don’t really know. I feel that more research is required for more definitive and conclusive evidence on if weed lowers your sperm count.

How else do you explain the 4 mini-Marleys running around my house?